In one of the final scenes of the movie, “Analyze This” Dr. Sobel (Billy Crystal) is standing before all the mob bosses of the country on behalf of his gangster patient. Dr. Sobel is asked who he is. His answer is priceless: “Who I am or who am I? Who am I is… is… is… a question for the ages.”
I have been under great leaders in my life. Some have taught me to keep things to myself; to share very little of myself and only allow myself to be seen in a positive light. Others have told me to be completely transparent; to share even when it is uncomfortable and/or embarrassing to share. In this element of leadership, I have witnessed first hand both styles work in favorable ways.
As it is now, as it always has been, it is my decision which style I choose. I choose to be transparent. Sometimes I may share too much… Sometimes I might share things in my life that might make others uncomfortable. Sometimes I might put myself out there to a point that people can and have used my shared weaknesses and my shared failures against me, but this is a choice I choose to make everyday.
I have lived life where I have attempted to put myself out there only in a favorable light. That killed me inside. I was afraid to let people see my past, my failures, my insecurities. I didn’t want to be attacked with what I perceived to be negatives about me, so I tried with all of my energy not to let people know the negatives. I was afraid to let people know who I was because I only wanted people to see the happy smiling, ready for the world Gil.
One day in my memory paticularly stands out. Jennifer and I were at our monthly classes on the way to getting my credentials as a minister. This day the South Carolina Administrative Bishop was the guest lecturer. Jennifer and I were going through a rough patch of life. That day marked literally seven days after my brother committed suicide. Jennifer and I had the option to skip the classes that month, but I needed to go. I needed to get back in a routine or I would have continued to dwell on Mike’s death. The Administrative Bishop and his wife came and talked to me during a break. I appreciated the love and the warmth they showed me, but I will never forget what they left me with. They shared with me that even as I was going through this difficult time, even with the pain I was feeling, I would have to keep it to myself if I were ever to pastor a church. I would have to model strength to any church I might pastor and that through my strength I would teach a congregation how to grieve. I smiled, thanked them and went back to class.
That was four years ago and I can’t disagree more with what the then S.C. Administrative Bishop and his wife shared with me. They were not being mean, they were not trying to beat me up. They were speaking to me with love and compassion, but they were wrong… not wrong for them… but they were wrong for me.
With the start of LifePoint I have been struggling with “Who Am I.”
“Who I Am” is easy. I can give you a resume. I can give you a list of life experiences. I can give you references.
“Who Am I” is much harder… how much time do you have?
Who am I is an emotional, passionate guy who thrives off of, tries to teach and preach from my life experiences. For me to hide behind some facade I put up will make me highly ineffective and unaffective.
As I pray and I study and as I read about guys like Marty Baker, Eddie Long, Perry Noble, Bryan Cutshall, Steven Furtick and Craig Groeshel I get pumped up as I imagine what God can do here at LifePoint, but I also have this question creep in the back of my mind, “Who am I,” and I start to doubt myself (for me this is sin… we will talk about that later).
This week, as I have battled through my insecurities, Craig Groeshel really encouraged me with his blog post on being original.
John 11:35 The shortest verse in all of the bible. Whole discertations have been written based on this scripture and many arguments have been held over this scripture…
…but who am I? I am a follower of Jesus and He allows everyone to see Him for who He is… and that is how I choose to live. I am not without sin…. no… I am far from it… but I want to live a life modeled after the life of Jesus. He let people in… even when He was having a bad day.
“Who I am or who am I? Who am I is… is… is… a question for the ages.”
LifePoint… get ready
